Mr HJ Potter
by Anrheithwyr
Summary: A story about Mr. H.J. Potter and his very normal family.


_**Written for the 'Dark Side Competition' by Empress Empoleon. Category 'Harry Potter' (write about Harry Potter). Except I can never quite get Harry right, so this turned into more of a Harry and others sort of story. Anyway, I don't own any part of Harry Potter that you recognise. Enjoy the story and don't kill me. **_

_**Sort of a crack!fic. I was in a weird mood writing this. **_

….

The young man who was currently known as Mr. H.J. Potter (and was also the star of this very short-lived story) lived a very normal life, thank you very much. He lived in a normal house in a normal neighborhood full of normal people. In this house, he lived with a lovely (normal) woman named _Mrs. _H.J. Potter, and their three little (normal) children, who were collectively known as the single entity called 'The Potter Children'. (None of them were ever given individual names because it was not particularly important to the story. After all, it wasn't like Mr. and Mrs. H.J. Potter named their children after anyone important.)

Now, this very pleasant and _normal _family woke up one normal day, as they normally did. Mr. H.J. Potter glared cheerfully at his alarm clock and Mrs. H.J. Potter glared even more cheerfully at _Mr._ H.J. Potter. The Potter Children didn't glare at anyone, but rather woke up very sluggishly and slow. In fact, they woke up _so _slowly, they got down to the table for breakfast within a minute of waking up. (So very slow of them.)

"Good morning, Father." said The Potter Children, who always spoke together, because, as a single entity, no one really wanted to bother hearing them each speak in turn. (It would have taken too much time.) "Good morning, Mother."

"Shut up, the lot of you," said Mr. H.J. Potter, smiling at his children. He loved them all so much, that he often tried to slip poison in their breakfast. Of course, The Potter Children (or TPC, from now on, because that takes too long to write) were much too smart for their father, and never ate breakfast when their father served it.

"I hope you enjoy your pancakes, honey," said Mrs. H.J. Potter, handing her husband a plate of the afore mentioned flat, syrup-covered breakfast item. Mrs. H.J. Potter loved her husband _so_ much, she, too, tried to poison him every morning. Unfortunately, Mr. H.J. Potter had long ago built up a resistance to poison and bad cooking in general. (Because his aunt had _always _been a really bad cook, which is why Mr. H.J. Potter had to cook everything himself)

"I hate your pancakes, woman-you know that! And I hate you, too!" he thanked her, kissing Mrs. H. J. Potter on the cheek. TPC all made faces at this sign of affection, yelling things like "gross", "nasty", "why are you doing that?", "my eyes, my eyes! They're burning!" and so on. Mr. and Mrs. H.J. Potter frowned pleasingly at their children.

"Don't you just _love _it when our family acts so normal, like the kind of families that only show up in really poorly done movies and television shows?" asked Mr. H.J. Potter.

"Of course, dear. It's even better when we all portray ridiculous stereotypes, isn't that right children?"

TPC, who, at this point, were really tired of acting as a single entity and wanted to be viewed as individuals with their own personalities and rights, decided to break out of character. (Which is what we call a Very Bad Thing To Do.)

"Actually, Mom," said the middle child, who's real name was Albus, "I hate living like this. It's like we're all characters from a poorly written fanfiction that does very little to represent what the original story actually looks like. None of us are even in character. Not a single spell has been cast, there's no owls, and no one in their right mind would _ever _try to poison their children and husband!"

"Yeah," said the youngest child, a little red-headed girl named Lily. "Al is right-this is boring and stupid."

"Plus, you guys are really lame," said the oldest child, James. He was the surliest of the lot, mostly because he had been given the last and least important line out of all TPC-I mean, the three Potter children, who all had very separate identities and everything.

"You're right," said Mr. H.J. Potter, who actually just went by Harry. He shook his head and looked at Mrs. H.J. Potter, who's real name was Ginny. "This _is _lame."

"Yeah." said Ginny, frowning in annoyance, and really meaning it this time.

"How about we all just leave it, then? We don't have to deal with this!" said Albus, getting to his feet. The other four followed after him, stomping away from their not-normal house that was in their not-normal neighborhood full of not-normal people. (In fact, most of them were witches and wizards.) they decided to go have breakfast at a non-poisoned restaurant and talk like a normal family usually did.

Over breakfast, they discussed the best way to destroy the author of this horrible story, including burning, drowning, and sever torture.

Unfortunately, I need to stop this story here-someone's at the door.

"Hello? Hey, get out of here! Don't come in here with those knives! Hey, hey! Knock it off! Bugger off, you lunatics, leave me alone! Someone, help me!"

….

_**Because, in all honesty, I can't really take any of this seriously. **_


End file.
